Another vote for Chaturbate.

Yeah, Chaturbate.

Yep, Chaturbate is the absolute best.. Go there every day. Best of all you can communicate with your fellow wanker there while he or she masturbates. Am actually there now as i write this.

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While sifting through the vast and relentless cycle of toilet news, we started to notice a certain pattern when it comes to public indecency. Apparently, if you’re the kind of perv that likes to masturbate out in the world among decent, hardworking folks just trying to make it through the day, Walmart is apparently the place to do it. Seriously, the number of people arrested for jacking off within or around the confines of the superstore is reaching epidemic levels.

We’re not sure why public masturbators seem to prefer this particular retail giant to, say, a Target or Kmart. Sure, pervs will pull it out anywhere, and it has been known to happen at other stores, and even the occasional mom and pop small business, but for some reason, Walmart seems to be the preferred venue.

Keep in mind these were just the people who have been caught. Who knows how many stealth masturbators have pleasured themselves in the retail giant and eluded the iron grip of Johnny Law in the process.

1. November 2013: 37-year-old Brian Hounslow in Tulsa, Oklahoma


Hounslow decided to give new meaning to the phrase “rise and shine” by cranking one out in the ladies’ room of a Tulsa Walmart at 8:30 am. He was then accosted by an angry lady who interrogated him with the aid of her handy phone video camera. Here is her probing piece of citizen journalism:


2. August 2013: Anonymous man in an unknown location

The fact that this guy is wearing enormous shorts didn’t hid the fact that he was playing pocket pool out in the open by a Walmart magazine rack. Thanks to the brave citizen journalist who captured this.


3. October 2014: 19-year-old Sean Johnson in Brooksville, Florida


As if it wasn’t bad enough that Johnson couldn’t wait to get home to do his business, the guy had to go and have his happy ending all over an innocent, defenseless stuffed horse. To make matters worse, he put the stuffed animal blasted with his genetic material back on the shelf. Ugh.

Authorities then thought it was necessary to point out that Johnson took specific care to jizz all over the “chest area” of said plush horse. Thanks for painting that picture, guys.


4. January 2014: 23-year-old Tommy Darnell Daniels in West Oak Cliff, Texas


After Daniels was seen masturbating by the stationary section of the superstore, he then resisted arrest and was ultimately tased after assaulting his arresting officer.

5. June 2014: 26-year-old Derek Bennett in Tulsa, Oklahoma


Apparently, Tulsa is a hotspot when it comes to masturbating in a Walmart. We’re not sure what makes this such an attractive location when it comes to self pleasure, but 26-year-old Derek Bennett fell under the city’s spell when he whipped it out in the middle of the store, much to the dismay of the two witnesses who were unlucky enough to watch this go down. Bennett’s defense to police was that he thought no one saw his pull it out. Priceless.

6. January 2015: Unknown man in Minneapolis, Minnesota

In probably the most disturbing instance of superstore related indecent exposure, and that’s saying a lot, a man followed a female Walmart shopper out to her car and proceeded to masturbate in view of her. Absolutely horrifying.

7. March 2015: 23-year-old Jeremy Percival Bryant in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina


Bryant was arrested after a tip-off that he was “acting weird” in the Walmart’s women’s clothing department. Apparently, “acting weird” is a polite way of saying that he whacked it in plain view of other shoppers.

8. April 2015: 20-year-old Taylor Davis in Kissimmee, Florida


Disney employee Davis is the latest in the long line of pervs that couldn’t resist rubbing one out while within the confines of the retail giant. The dreamy, blue-eyed masturbator employed an advanced technique of cutting a hole in his sweatshirt and then wiping his release all over boxes of garbage bags in the store. Wonderful. He was also listening to audio porn on his headphones.

Previously:

At least 6 Americans have been s

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