Before you judge, please read my story. This is the story of my troubled relationship with my penis, particularly with my foreskin. I am obviously uncircumcised, and do not wish to get circumcised as an adult, although, it has become a bit of a sexual fantasy of mine to be circumcised by a beautiful woman. Let’s begin.
I was born in Canada in the 90s to European parents. Circumcision was still prevalent here, but the rate of leaving babies intact was slowly beginning to increase. I was obviously one of the ones left intact, most likely because my dad also was. This would start a childhood of hate toward a perfectly normal penis. From an early age, I can remember my penis always being a “problem”. I remember countless trips to the pediatrician, my uncircumcised penis was always under scrutiny. My pediatrician, also from Europe, no less, always demanding that I retract my foreskin, and always prescribing steroid creams to attempt to defuse my foreskin from my glans. Knowing what I know now, I understand that this was completely normal, and that my doctor was forcibly retracting me. I was often retracted several times a day in order to apply the medicine prescribed to “fix the problem”, because if that didn’t work, I would have to be circumcised. I didn’t quite understand what that meant, but I was told it would happen, and that it would hurt, that terrified me. So, I would begrudgingly retract my foreskin, despite the pain it caused, and the lack of progress this forced retraction caused, in order to avoid circumcision. I hated my uncircumcised penis.
This was already weird enough for me. My mother would usually be the one to retract me and apply the unnecessary cream, and then when I got old enough that this would be inappropriate, she would constantly berate me about it, asking if I applied cream, asking me after a bath or shower if I had retracted to clean underneath, I was not a teenager yet, my foreskin being fused to my glans was still normal. I was still regularly threatened with circumcision. I was threatened with circumcision for not lifting the toilet seat. I was threatened with circumcision for not retracting my foreskin when I used the washroom, to be fair, not only did I have a slight case of phimosis, which only made it uncomfortable to retract, but I also had a short frenulum, which made it difficult to retract, in hindsight, a frenuloplasty likely would have solved a lot of issues, but I digress, my short frenulum put a lot of strain on my meatus and I would therefore spray urine everywhere if I retracted to urinate. I would be threatened with circumcision for this.
Oddly, I think I was about 6 or 7, and a third cousin of mine, who was about the same age, was circumcised, I don’t remember the reason, and I won’t speculate, but this was fuel for my mother. She would remind me regularly that “Alan” (not his real name, of course), had been circumcised, and that all I had to do would be to tell her that I wanted to get circumcised, and all the problems with my penis would be over. There were no real problems with my penis, they were all manufactured. Any opportunity she had to bring it up over the next few months, she would. The doctor’s appointments continued, again, the focus being on my foreskin. I was 8 or 9 when I saw the show. I don’t remember much about this documentary, but I remember that my parents were pretty insistent that I watch it. It was about circumcision, and it absolutely terrified me. I knew no matter what, I didn’t want my penis to be circumcised after seeing this show (why my parents made me watch this at a young age, I still don’t understand). After seeing this, my mother especially would ask me regularly if I wanted that done to my penis, or if I wanted to get circumcised, or if she should maybe just call the doctor and have her do it to me. Circumcision was used as a threat to get me to behave, it worked, but it destroyed the way I saw my penis.
I would be a teenager when I would start researching the pros and cons of circumcision. Afterall, I was the weird, uncircumcised kid, one of many in my school, and even my grade, as it turned out. This would be when I struggled the most with being uncircumcised. You see, I came from a European family, however, they were also incredibly religious, so the issue for me was, why wasn’t I just circumcised at birth, they could have claimed religiosity, and that would have been that. Not to get into the ethics and trauma often cited by Intactivists regarding routine infant circumcision, but in my case, being circumcised as an infant would have prevented a childhood of foreskin related trauma. The embarrassment and pain that I endured as a child for being in a natural state, based on ignorant medical practices at the time ruined the way I saw my body. I hated having a penis, and I hated that it was uncircumcised. I hated that my parents had a choice, and they chose to leave me intact, and then hold it over my head for my entire childhood that they could take away my foreskin at any given time. As it turns out, I am glad that I am not circumcised now, as an adult, and when I had my (3) own sons, my wife and I were both in agreeance that circumcision was absolutely not an option.
I was 16 years old when I was released as a patient from my pediatrician. I still remember that last appointment, she asked me point blank, “Are you circumcised?”, as though she didn’t know. I responded “No.”, she asked “Do you have any problems pulling back the skin?”, I somewhat lied, “No.”, I still had a short frenulum, it was impossible to remain retracted without physically holding back my foreskin, although, by then, I could fully retract. That would have been my opportunity to have all my “problems” fixed, although, my family doctor afterward never brought it up. I couldn’t explain the raging erection that one question have me, and wouldn’t be able to explain it for a long time, I had inexplicably stumbled upon my circumcision g It would be another 2 or 3 years before my frenulum would tear during sex with my first serious girlfriend, that was incredible pain, and a lot of blood. My frenulum tore about halfway down that time, then about another quarter of the way down a few months later, to where it remains today. As for the mild case of phimosis, well, sex also seemed to cure that as well. The stretching and retraction that occurred during penetration seemed to be enough to loosen up my foreskin enough that I can go about retracting my foreskin normally and without discomfort.
In my now single, adult life, I tend to retract my foreskin and keep it that way when I’m home. I tend to do things in the nude around my place, and it just feels right to have my foreskin retracted. In this way, I can somewhat satisfy my want to have been circumcised, but I still get the benefits of having a foreskin. I’ve made my peace with my uncircumcised foreskin, we get along fine, even if it has influenced my sexual fantasies and desires to some degree. I find myself gravitating toward foreskin humiliation porn, and circumcision fetish porn, but I also tend to balance it out with foreskin fetish and praise porn. Those contrasting types of porn really work for me in my messed up mind. Sometimes I think I must be the only person who thinks this way, or who went through this sort of thing, although there is no way I am that unique, I’m sure there are other men who’ve gone through very similar, if not the same experiences, although I’ve never seen another recount like this anywhere online, or heard one directly in real life.
So, if you’ve read this far, I hope that I have been able to convey to you the confused relationship I have had my entire life with my uncircumcised penis, and I hope the title of this blog makes sense now. I do not wish to be circumcised, I do not wish to be convinced to be circumcised. I am happy to be uncircumcised, but I should have been circumcised at birth.