Naked Acceptance
(Mid 1990s)

For several months I had been making the most of my freedom, using my friend’s office as my apartment and launching point into a new life. So far, it had been a wonderful experience, although I knew I was overdoing it, and taking some of my antics too far. But after several years in a marriage in which I could not even discuss my exhibitionist desires, let alone act on any, it had become my singular focus to truly indulge myself.

However, even for all the joy and support I found with my new friends, I still felt somewhat alone, and it was scary. Going from my parents’ house to the sorority, to my husband, I had never really been on my own. But now I was, and it was intimidating.

Brandon’s acceptance and interest in using me as his model made me feel like I had a partner, of sorts. Mind you I was not looking for a relationship beyond friends. My parents had found out that I had left my husband, and they were pressuring me to return to him. I was very confused, and had no idea of a direction, and was starting to think I would have to go back to that life. So, I wanted to make the most of my freedom now, without overcomplicating a possible return to my old life.

At first, this was working with Brandon. He was very professional with me. As amateur as our efforts were, he made me feel like a real model. He was the camera man, and I was the subject. He was good at giving me direction, and I could still do what I wanted. I always felt very sexy when he would video my posing and frolicking, and I knew I was safe with him.

During these sessions, I would talk often of my problems, and he was supportive. That may have been my mistake. I tend to overshare. The more I came to trust him, the more I wanted to be close to him. But Brandon never showed any real interest in anything more. Our recording sessions would bring my libido to a boil. Some of the time I would be touching myself in the videos and I would become overwhelmed. But he was all business. It started to bother me. I didn’t want a relationship, but I wanted him to want me.

Brandon and I had a lot of mutual friends. That’s how I met him in the first place. We all worked at a theme park / movie studio in Orlando Florida. He and I did not work directly together much. I mostly knew him through our friends. Brandon and his business partner made independent films and used a lot of us want-to-be actors in his projects.

One night while Brandon was working on a project at the office, and I was doing my best to distract him by cooking my dinner topless, he asked if I wanted to go with him to a party. I knew our friends were throwing him a party for his birthday, at a bar just North of Orlando. I had been intending to go. But now that Brandon asked me to go with him, to his birthday party, I thought he was finally going to make his move.

When the night came, Brandon picked me up at the office/apartment and drove us to the bar. The dynamic between us was different, as I think we both were wondering if this was a date. The party was fun, but as we mostly mingled with our friends, and often not together, it did not feel like a date.

On the drive home, I wasn’t sure what to say. It was his birthday. He set this up to go to and leave the party with me. He was in a good mood, but I had no idea what he was thinking. So, I asked, “What should we do now?”.

“You should get naked”, he answered.

“You really think I should?”, I asked, looking around at the surrounding traffic. But I had hardly finished my question before pulling my top off over my head. I realized mid-question that I did not want to give him the opportunity to say he was joking.

As I continued to undress, I could tell he was looking at me more than the road. I was naked around him regularly, but this was the first time we were in public, as much as being in the car is public. And this was the first time it was not for the camera, or me just relaxing in the apartment. This was arguably a date. It was new territory for us. I was not undressing for me, but for him… and perhaps others on I-4.

I sat there naked for a minute with no conversation. I felt he was nervous. I took his hand and brought it to my chest. All the times he directed my actions, or adjusted my clothes, etc. while videotaping, he had never really touched me. At least not like that. We both relaxed a bit, and I reclined my seat. He caressed me as I put my arms over my head and closed my eyes, peeking only occasionally as I sensed the sweep of the street lights across my body.

I asked if he thought people could see me. He said it was too dark, and pointed out that we could not see into their cars. I thought he was right, and felt some of my excitement recede. I reached up and turned on the overhead light, hoping to give us both a thrill. He pulled away to put both hands on the wheel. I asked if he could still see. He looked down at me and said, “Yes”. I meant see the road, but I think he knew. I pulled his hand back from the wheel and guided it over my body as I imagined the people in the passing cars all watching. He mentioned that we could get pulled over with the light on. I smiled and let out a little moan to indicate that the idea excited me. I was having amazing sensations from head to toe. His caress was wonderful. But it was connecting with someone in this way, while completely exposed, that brought my pleasure to a climax.

As we were nearing the office/apartment I asked if he thought I should go in like this. He said no, that I can’t do that. I felt the moment deflate. Then he picked up my skirt from the floorboard and told me I should just wear this and my heels. The sensations were returning. My skirt was not exactly that. It was a sheer black half wrap that I wore in ballet. It didn't wrap all the way around and cover me completely. For the party, I wore it with a slip underneath. But he left the slip on the floor, with the rest of my clothes.

When he parked unnecessarily far from the apartment, I began to think he understood. It was just what I needed. He was nothing like my husband. He was enjoying this game perhaps as much as me. I have always found excitement by being exposed to others. But now I was realizing that he was enjoying the idea of not only seeing me, but watching me be exposed to others. This dramaticlly escalated things for me. These emotions mixed with the excitement I felt anticipating the walk to the apartment.

As I sat in the now quiet car in just my see through skirt and heels. He looked over at me as if to say, “You really doing this?”. I thumbed my purse strap over my shoulder, gave him a quick smile, swung the door open, and stepped out into the light of the parking lot.

When we closed ourselves safely in the apartment, both filled with the excitement of the moment, I put my arms around him, pushed my body up against him and asked, “What do you think about that? Do you think the neighbors saw?” He said that I sure closed the car door loud, and he expected I would walk along the darker path next to the buildings, instead of right down the middle of the well-lit parking lot. I pulled away and asked if he was upset. He told me it was the hottest thing he had ever seen.

I kissed him. We made out on the sofa for a while, but that was it. He didn’t spend the night.

I didn’t come out and say it, but I thought I made it obvious that I wanted him to stay. He seemed a little nervous. Maybe he thought I was too drunk? Maybe he thought I was only giving him a birthday present? Maybe it was because I was still married? At the time, I did not know.

I did not see Brandon for a few days, which was rare. So, I called him. We had a good talk, but it was hard to gauge if something was wrong. I could not stop thinking about how good I felt that night he brought me home. He enjoyed watching me do something I enjoy – a thing many people think wrong. And he had suggested it. I felt accepted in a way I thought could never happen.

I was now determined to do something to make more of my relationship with Brandon. Knowing myself, I first feared I would take it too far - then a realization. It would be fine if I took it too far. I was looking for acceptance in my extremes. He would either embrace me for who I am, or it would never be anyway.

My plan was to go to his apartment (where he lived, not the office) and knock on his door wearing only my little black sheer skirt and heels, and tell him I needed to get the rest of my clothes out of his car. Not only would this be hysterical, I also thought he would love it… or I would learn what I needed to know.

The problem was, I could not find the skirt anywhere. I searched desperately. It was not uncommon for me to lose clothes, but this was a tiny apartment. I had no idea where it was. So, I decided it would be more impactful anyway if I just went to his apartment and knocked on his door while completely naked.

I took a shower and revved myself up while waiting for it to get late. When the time came, I opened the door to head for the car, and I couldn’t do it. So much of me would love to drive over to his house like that, but I was just too scared. So, I put on a shirt that was long enough to cover everything, and headed out.

I had never been in his apartment, but I knew where it was. I had been skinny dipping with some friends in the pool at his complex, and his apartment was visible from the pool.

Driving over, I planned to leave my shirt in the car and go knock on his door. But I could not park anywhere close, so I wore the shirt and walked barefoot up to his door. It was a private alcove, brightly lit by the porch light, although only visible to a few windows of a far building. I did a nervous little jig, fought to quell my intense giggling, took a deep breath, unbuttoned the shirt and threw it into the bushes around the corner. I remember my conflicting emotions while recognizing how stark and exposed I was with the bright lights on my pale skin.

My first attempts at knocking failed as I couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I imagined how I would feel returning home having not gone through with it, and that was enough. I committed. Knocking on the door, I thought about how this was not the first time I stood knocking in the nude while hoping for acceptance.

From inside, I heard, “Holy shit!”. Brandon saw me through the peep hole. Not the presentation I had planned, but all the same, I guess. He opened the door wearing sweatpants and a wide goofy smile and ordered me in. As he shut the door, he tossed out a few more expletives in astonishment. He asked if I walked up to the door like that. As I tried to get out my funny line about needing my clothes from his car, he interrupted with, “You know I have a roommate?”. He pointed to a door across the living room. I did not know. That could have been interesting. Nevertheless, Brandon ushered me into his bedroom.

After taking a few minutes to settle down, I asked him if he was going to put me out like this. He teased me a bit, but it became clear he really enjoyed my little stunt. I was so relieved. I was giddy the rest of the night. I remember well because, like a lot of things Brandon was around, it was caught on video. We hung out in his room, had a few beers, and he started taping me. I think we were more comfortable like this, as compared to how things ended the night of his birthday. But unlike our other recording sessions, this time he touched me.

The video begins after Brandon asked me to dance for him. Of course, I love to be in front of the camera, and I love to dance, but I was very nervous about having to improvise a sexy dance. That only added to my endless nervous giggling. It is obvious in the video that I was making every excuse and distraction to avoid the dancing.

Honestly, I had come to his apartment that night to make love, not a video. But I am so grateful now that I have these tapes to look back. I was never the prettiest girl around, but I can see I was glowing with a great energy, and adorable charm. As conceited as it is for me to state, I think I was beautiful. The video allows me to be there again. And what happened that night was instrumental in the direction of the rest of my life.
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I have attached a video of a few clips from that night titled, “Nervous Naked Joy”. I apologize that the video is old and much of the audio is messed up. I tried to patch it some, but with the music in the background, it is still pretty rough. I would mute it and just put nice music in, but a good bit of the charm is lost without the original audio. I find it lovely. I hope you do as well.