A bloke went into hospital to have his appendix out and on the day of the operation, the qualified surgeon was teaching a student surgeon what to do. As the student began, the scalpel slipped out of her hand and accidentally cut the bloke's balls off.
"Oh dear!" cried the student, mortified, "I'm ever so sorry."
"That's OK," said the qualified surgeon, "but we can't let him walk about without them, poor chap will think he's deformed."
"Well," said the nurse, "there's a jar of pickled onions in the cupboard. If you sew a couple of those on, he won't know the difference."
"I suppose that's all we can do," said the qualified surgeon so the student carried on and after she had extracted the bloke's appendix, the nurse got the two biggest pickled onions she could find out the jar and they were sewn on underneath the guy's dick and he was wheeled back to the ward to recouperate.
Couple of days later, the qualified surgeon was doing his rounds and went up to speak to the bloke. "Hello, Mr. Smith," he said, all bright and cheery, "how are you today?"
"I'm fine, thanks, doctor," said the bloke "but there's one thing that's puzzling me."
"What's that?" asked the surgeon.
"Well," said the bloke, "you know when you get a hard-on every time you see a gorgeous woman in tight sexy clothes?"
"Yes," said the surgeon, nodding understandably.
"Well," went on the bloke, "I get one every time I see a cheese sandwich".

lol

Did you hear that all the action in the next James Bond film is to take place at an opticians?

Its going to be called "For Four Eyes Only".

Time for a little laughter ... You need to think around "old people". 😅 A tale from the wild, wild West ...
"An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
He looked at the woman and laughed,
"Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to"
A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.
When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too"
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid."
🖋️ ~John Mitchell~

I still enjoy sex at 96. I live at 94 so its not far to go.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said morning
He replied, No, just having a shit..

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father,
I think it's just a reflection from her shoes father😆

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman”. She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, overhearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately.”

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

Two guys are getting ready to go golfing together. “I’m going to buy a dozen balls before we hit the links; would you like me to pick up any for you?”

“Naah, I’m good,” his buddy says. “I’ve got a ball.”

“You’ve got A ball? Just one??”

“It’s a lucky ball; it’s all I need,” he responds.

“But what if you lose it?”

“I can’t.”

“Oh, that’s crazy!” his friend exclaims. What about the pond?”

“It floats.”

“What if you hit it into the woods?”

“It beeps.”

“What about the dark woods?”

“It glows in the dark.”

The friend just shakes his head in amazement. “That’s incredible! Where did you get a ball like that?”

“I found it.”

Moishe the Pious is a God-fearing man, but he is old. One night, after turning in for the evening, Moishe finds Nature calling him, so he gets up, puts on his yarmulke (did I mention Moishe is pious?) and goes to the bathroom. However, Moishe forgets to put the toilet seat back down (did I mention that Moishe is old, and sometimes forgetful?) and he comes back to bed, removing his kippa as he did so.

A little later on that night, Sarah, Moishe’s wife, feels the same need. She goes to the bathroom and sits down without bothering to turn on the light. However, as Moishe has left the seat up, her “landing” is rather abrupt. Worse, she finds herself stuck in that ungainly position, legs splayed in the air.

“Moishe! Come help me!” she cries. So Moishe gets up, puts on his yarmulke, and goes into the bathroom. But try as he might (did I mention that Moishe is an old man, and not a fount of strength?) he could not extricate Sarah from her predicament. So Moishe is forced to call 911.

As the paramedic comes in, Moishe remembers that, though he is pious, his wife Sarah is also quite modest, so, taking a deep breath, he removes his yarmulke and places it over Sarah’s most private area.

When the paramedic gets to the bathroom (did I mention the paramedic is not a Member Of the Tribe?) he looks over the situation: Sarah, legs splayed on the commode, and Moishe kneeling beside her, his hand holding his yarmulke over her private area. He turns to Moishe and says, “Well, the good news is, I can save your wife…but I’m afraid the rabbi is a goner.”

A Frenchman, a Greek, and a Jew are out driving, when they’re in a horrific accident and they all die. They’re met at The Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who tells them, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but Heaven is temporarily full, so you have a choice. You can either go to Purgatory, which is just like Hell, until we have an opening. OR you can go back to Earth and wait. However, that choice has some stipulations: Frenchman, if you even think about gourmet food, you’re gone. Greek, one thought about sex, and YOU’RE gone. And Jew, well, you can probably guess – one thought about money and you’re outta there.”

Well, the men agree to the requirements, and soon find themselves back on Earth, walking along a road. Before long they come to a bakery. The Frenchman looks inside and sees a fresh-baked baguette. He inhales deeply, drinking in the aroma…and then, POOF! The Frenchman is gone.

“Boy, Pete wasn’t kidding,” the two remaining men say to each other. “We’d better watch out!”

A little further down the road, though, the Jew spies a quarter on the ground. He tries to look away, but he just can’t help himself, so he bends over to pick up the coin…and then POOF! The Greek is gone.

Why was Rudolph's wife mad?

Cause he blew 100 bucks at the strip club.

Elton John bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas as it was a bit overweight.

After 2 months of exercise it's now a little fit bunny😂


Sister Bridgette, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a pub in Tralee. The place was quite lively with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
Well, now they know you're one of us,said the bartender, “Would you like a drink,No thank you, but, I still don't understand,said the puzzled nun.
You see, laughed the bartender,every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking in an outdoor restaurant. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he’ll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “Don’t you have a vase?”

The British Conservative Party

Joe Biden!!!

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher, becoming impatient with the man, says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved”.

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.

Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “alright buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam” the man moans.

“And where ya from Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony”.

Three guys were lost in the desert. They were desperate for any sign of life and they came across, of all things, a huge tent with many many women in it.
The women were clearly beckoning the guys to enter. The guys were ecstatic. Saved and maybe lucky even! They went into the tent and start having fun with the women.
Suddenly they were seized by guards and a fierce-looking “Sheik Yerboudi” type guy burst in and he was beyond furious. “How dare you touch my women without my permission?” he screamed in their faces. “You must pay dearly!”
He asked one man what he did for a living. “I’m a cop.”, the man said. The sheik said, “Good! We will shoot your manhood off!”
He asked the next guy the same thing and the guy replied, “I’m a fireman.” “Good!” said the sheik. “We will burn your manhood off!”
He asked the last guy the same question and the guy replied with a huge, leering grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!!!”

Why does Donald Trump get an erection when looks at himself in the mirror
Because even his penis thinks he is a c**t

Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.

Here is the latest news:-

Boris Johnson has gone into the pop market and has released two records, hoping one of them will be the Christmas no. 1.

They're called "It's My Party and I'll Lie If I Want To" and "Let's Test Again, Like We Did Last Summer."

A woman goes to a country western festival to line dance the man with the microphone yelled let’s have a hoe down so she dropped to the floor
--------------------------------------- added after 48 seconds

Get it hoe down

A young girl asks her Mom if she can take the family dog for a walk around the block.
The Mom replies, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Dear. Fifi is in heat.” “What does that mean?”, asks the little girl.
The mother didn’t want to have that talk yet so she said, “Why don’t you ask your father what that is? He’s in the garage.” The girl went to the garage and asked her father, “Daddy, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? Mommy said Fifi is In heat so I should ask you.”
Well, Dad didn’t want to have that talk either so he asked the girl to bring Fifi to him. He then took a rag, poured some gas on it and gently rubbed it on Fifi’s butt. “There.”, he said. “Now you can take her around the block, but only once.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no Fifi.
“Where’s Fifi?” the father asked.
“She should be here in a minute.” said the girl. She ran out of gas half way down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

The chief of an American Indian tribe had died suddenly, leaving his son as the new chief. All was going well for the new chief until one of the tribe members asked him if the coming winter was going to be cold. Should they collect enough wood for the cold nights? This troubled the new chief because his father had never taught him about the old ways. But to be safe, he said “Yes, collect plenty of wood.” A week later, he was asked if they should collect even more wood. Is it going to be a very cold winter? This time, he said that he would get back to them. He stealthily called the weather service and asked them if it was going to be a very cold winter. The meteorologist said “Yes, it’s going to be very cold”. A few weeks later, they asked him again, “Should we collect even more wood? Is it going to be an extremely cold winter?”. Once again, he said that he would get back to them and called the weather service when nobody was watching. “Is it going to be an extremely cold winter?”. The meteorologist said “Yes, the signs indicate that it’s going to be extremely cold”. Wanting to know more, the chief asked “How do you know?”.

The meteorologist replied “Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

An old fashioned young man who asked a farmer if he could have the farmer’s daughter’s hand in marriage. The farmer appreciated this but said he needed to be sure if the lad was worthy. He told the young man, “If you really love my daughter you’ll do anything for her, right?” “Absolutely!” said the young man. “Anything!” The farmer said, “Good! See that pinto pony over there? Go on, right now, and shtup her!” The lad really loved the farmer’s daughter so he gritted his teeth and did it. “Now can I marry your daughter?” he asked. “Not so fast!” said the farmer. “See that goat? Same deal! And do it like you mean it!” Not to be dissuaded, the lad shtupped the goat. “Now?” wailed the boy? “Not quite!” said the farmer. “See that sheep? Go on over and shtup her, too! Go ahead, Son!” The lad did as he was told only to have the farmer say, “See that pig over there? Have at her, Boy! Then you can marry my daughter!” The boy went over and gave it his very best. When he was good and done the farmer exclaimed, “You done good, Lad! Now you can marry my daughter!” The young man yelled, “The Hell with your daughter!” “Sell me that pig!”

A blonde is pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to her window and says, “Ma’am” (all cops say “Ma’am”) “you were driving 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. May I see your driver’s license and registration, please?”

“I don’t have a driver’s license, officer,” says the blonde. “And as for the registration, well, I don’t know where it might be. You see, I stole this car.”

The officer is deeply suspicious by this point. “Please open your trunk, Ma’am,” he says.

“Oh, I can’t do that, officer,” she responds. “There’s a dead body in there.”

Fully alarmed now, the officer tells her to keep her hands where he can see them, and he calls for backup. Within minutes, four squad cars screech to a stop, with the precinct captain in the lead. He approaches the blonde and demands to see her driver’s license.

“Here it is, Captain,” she says. “And here’s my automobile registration, too.”

“Well…please open your trunk, Ma’am.” She does so, revealing nothing more ominous than a spare tire. “Well, what the – my officer said you had no license, no registration, you’re driving a stolen car, and that you have a dead body in your trunk!”

“He did, did he? Huh – I bet he told you I was speeding, too.”

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...