He only noticed he had diarrhoea when he took his bicycle clips off

Two big blokes went into a pub. One said to the other: "Your round."
"You can talk, you fat sod," the other bloke replied.

Me, “ I have just published a book about Poltergeists”
Mate, “Oh great, how’s it doing”
Me, “They are flying off the shelfs”.

Cowboy, “You put glue on my revolvers boy”
Son, “ No Pa, honest I didn’t”
Cowboy, “you sure as well did”
Son, “I swear I didn’t, don’t you believe me?”
Cowboy, “Dam it, no. I’m sticking to my guns”

Me, “my new year’s resolution is to decorate my living room in velcro”
Mate, “what, is this another crap joke, you will never do it”
Me, “I will & I’m going to stick to it!”

Mate, “what you been doing recently?”
Me, “ oh this & that, been shopping with the wife, brought one of them new fangled toilet brushes”
Mate, “Any good?”
Me, “Seems to work well at getting it all clean”
A few days later. . . .
Mate, “I got me one of those new toilet brushes”
Me, “Oh, hows is working for you?”
Me, “Well to be honest, I find it scratches and leaves my ass sore, so I have gone back to toilet paper!

Doc, “ your having a heart attack, Ill grab the defibrillator”
Me, “Don’t grab it later, grab it now!”

Mate, “Any idea why the French eat snails?
Me, “They don’t like fast food”

Nice quiet & easy drive home last night, but strangely I spotted an Ice-cream sundae, a lemon drizzle cake, an apple pie & a Eton mess.
The streets were desserted!

Me, “have you heard about a strange illnesses going round that makes you forget 80’s music?”.
Mate, “What the… is something going to be done about it?”
Me, “No one knows the Cure”

Do you know how much Santa pays for parking at Christmas?
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Nothing it’s all on the house!!

Sylvester Stallone said he wants to make some movies about historical classical composers.
In the first film he wants to paly, Beethoven, but asks some fellow actors who they might want to be.
Jean Claude Van Damme said, “I’ll be Mozart”.
Bruce Willis said, “I’ll be Tchaikovsky”
Arnold Schwarzenegger refused to comment!!!

Where do Pirates get their hooks from
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Second hand stores!

A guy walks into a bakery and asks “can buy a ham sandwich with cream cheese?”
The attendant say’s “sorry we only take cash” . . .

What is the bad thing about a lung transplant? That first loogie is not yours.

Me, “hello mate how are you now?”
Mate, “Officially 12 months without my addiction”
Me, “that’s good, what was it now”
Mate, “chocolate, nuts & marshmallows”
Me, “well, credit to you, that you've done it, but it must have been a Rocky Road!”

Mate, “I don’t quite understand now knitted jumpers are so cheap, Did you know it takes 3 sheep to make just one jumper?”
Me, “Didn’t know that sheep could knit!”

A guy just knocked a jar of Mayonnaise off the shelf at the store.
Involuntarily shouted, what the Helman!

A woman was walking down the road when she noticed two cows smoking a joint. The steaks were high.

Me, “This is a tidy farm you have; would you happen to have some eggs for sale?”
Farmer, “We try and keep it clean, but sorry we don’t have chickens”
Me, “I guess that’s why it’s impeccable then!”.

Me, “Doc, I have a problem with my hearing”
Doc, “Describe the symptoms”
Me, “They are yellow, Homer works at the power plant & Marge has blue hair!”

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bartender says “sorry but we don’t serve food here”!

Little boy asked his mum: "mummy, does grandpa sound like a frog?"
"Of course not," replied his mother, "whatever gave you that idea?"
"Well," replied the little boy, "daddy's just said that when grandpa croaks, we're going to go to Disneyland."

Me, “Excuse me, where can I find books about paranoia?”
Librarian, (leans over and whispers in my ear) “THERE BEHIND YOU”!!!

Me, “I got a pet termite, I called it Clint”
Mate, “Why Clint?”
Me, “Because Clint eats wood!”.

wife, “why do you keep torturing me with these bad pun jokes”
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Hubby, “every now and then you need a little pun-ishment”

I have been grilling a chicken for 2 hours. . .
It still won’t tell me why it crossed the road!

Mate, “ I have just brought a 12 year old whisky”
Me, “I don’t think their parents will like that”

Little boy came home and said to his mum: "Mummy, I've just been to a strip club."
"Oh you naughty boy," replied his mother, horrified. "Did you see anything you wasn't supposed to?"
"Yeah," replied the little boy, "daddy."

Me, “I spent my entire life’s savings on pasta”
Mate, “That must be a lot of pasta”
Me, “Well it’s worth every penne”

Mate, “did you know the people of Antarctica, rarely get sick, even though it’s so cold?”
Me, “No, but I bet it’s because they are ice-o-lated!”

Me, “It was so cold yesterday my computer froze”
Mate, “you need to keep it warmer!”
Me, “yes, well It was my own fault, I had too many windows open”

Mate, “last night I had a nightmare, I was drowning in an ocean of fizzy orange”
Me, “That was not a nightmare, it was a Fanta sea!”

Me, “ I left school wanting to become a magician”
Mate, “wow, so what went wrong?”
Me, “I failed the exam, they were all trick questions!”

(This does not work in the metric system) I wrote my Mum to say I have grown another foot. So she knitted me another sock.

Me, “hello mate how are you now?”
Mate, “Officially 12 months with out my addiction”
Me, “that’s good, what was it now”
Mate, “chocolate, nuts & marshmallows”
Me, “ well you have done it, but it must have been a Rocky Road!”

JUSTICE is a dish best served cold!
If it were served warm, it would be justwater!!!

A Weasel walks into a bar,
Barman, “what can I get you?”
Weasel, “pop”

My Friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character!
You should have seen the Luke on his face 😊

Yesterday I was washing my car with my son
He asked “dad, why can’t you use a sponge?”