Cliff Accident by Eileen Dover
How To Make Money by Robin Banks
Dog's Food by Nora Bone
The Haunted House by Major Jump

What do you call two gay guys walking down the street with a pram?

A miracle.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

Guy went into a fish and chip shop and said to the guy behind the counter: "can you fix this broken down alarm clock?"

Guy behind the counter replied: "is this a wind up?"

* * * * *

Did you hear there's been an outbreak of bird flu in Yorkshire? You should have done, everyone's tweeting about it.

Confucius say: Man who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.


She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting,


Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to kip.


A few moments later she said,Then you used to kiss me.


Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to try and kip again.


Thirty seconds later she said. Then you used to bite my Neck.


Pissed off he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.


Where are you going.the wife asked


To get my fucking teeth.

A guy goes to his local clinic about a severe rash on his balls. The nurse who examines him, says You’re going to have to stop wanking,he says Why? She says Because I’m trying to examine you..

What do you find when you go down on Halle?

Did you know 80% of all Chinese have cataracts? The other 20% drive rincons and chevrolays!

At a secretarial job interview, there was only one question.
The first girl was asked;

"If you were working here, and found out that a new client have over paid our company a hundred thousand pounds, what would you do?

The girl replied, "well I would ring them and tell them of their mistake and forward a cheque to them ASAP, this will show them that they are dealing with an honest company and will have confident in future dealings with us".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the second girl.
"Well I would straight away bank the over payment and leave it to the client to contact us, only then will I repay the amount hoping while the money in our bank would make some form of interest which is good for the company".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Same question to the third and final girl.
"Well I would consult my superior and let him/her deal with such complex situation, because he/her will have much more experience then me".
Good answer murmured the directors.

Who did the company hired?

The blond with big tits and long legs.

Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole..........BONG!!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

My wife is such a lousy housekeeper that every time I want to piss in the sink it's full of dirty dishes.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and the Eiffel Tower?


A: Not every kerb crawler has been up the Eiffel Tower


Q: What's the difference between a prostitute's legs and the Windmill Theatre?


A: Nothing, because they're both never closed


* * * *

Q: What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

A: Not everyone eats parsley.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass...you're doing it wrong. Flip over

If a bull swallowed a bomb, would it be abominable?

Ron: One time me and my buddy walked into a bar and he says


Friend: Man, the place would be better, if there wernt so many queers.


Ron: Okay, next time you have a thought, just let it go. And listen to me, when I say this. We're ALL gay. It's to what exent are you gay.


Friend: Thats bullshit, im not gay at all.


Ron: Yeah you are, and i can prove it.


Friend: Fine, prove it.


Ron: Okay, do you like porn?


Friend: Yeah I love porn you know that.


Ron: Okay, do you only watch the scenes with two women together?


Friend: No, I'll watch a man and a woman makin' love.


Ron: Okay, do you prefer the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?

Friend: No, I like big hard throbbin' COCKS................I did not know that about myself.

What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?

Pack his lunch and send him to work....

Thieves broke into Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilets. Police say at the moment they've nothing to go on.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Scientific research has proven that 50% of gay and bisexual men have been so since birth......the other 50% were sucked into it.

did you hear that Ruger is making a new pistol? yea... it will be called the congressman in honor of the house of representatives and the Senate. it doesnt work and you can't fire it.....

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

After a restaurant had closed for the night, a thief broke in and stole all the salt, pepper and vinegar. Police say they are looking for a seasoned criminal

* * * *

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .......
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is ****.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Old woman come to the doctor with a knife stabbed in her knee. The doctor ask her what happened? She answers: " I tried to kill myself and people said that best and most secure thing to do is to stab the knife two fingers below tits"

P.s. English is not my native language so hope you will understand...

What do call a lesbian with long fat fingers ?

Well hung.....

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?

Ilickalotofpuss......

Girl runs home from school and says: "mummy, I've been doing cartwheels in the playground today in front of all the boys. They say I'm ever so good at it."
"Oh you silly girl," replies her mother, "don't you realise all those boys want to see are your knickers?"
"Of course, mummy," the girl replies, "I ain't stupid. That's why I took them off and put them in my bag."

* * * * *

I walked into a pet shop and asked the clerk that I would like to buy a wasp, she said we do not sell wasps then I said but you have one inside the window though

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing guy stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no... get away from me... you’re a sicko!"

The guy turned to leave and muttered

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."