Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe and they spend the whole evening drinking.

Man goes to leave, barman shouts: Hey, you can´t leave that lyin´there.

Man: it´s not a Lion, it´s a Giraffe

I'd never go out with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

 Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

 Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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And another one
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A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”

A girl went fishing with two guys and came back with a red snapper...

Archaeologists recently uncovered the remains of an Egyptian mummy, covered in chocolate. An expert identified the remains as definitely being those of Pharaoh Rocher.

I once went out with an inflatable doll but when I ended it, I let her down gently

Dentist: You are going to feel a small prick in your mouth.
Me: Don't you want to buy me dinner first?
Hygienist:
Me:
Dentist:

I'm not allowed back there any more

Did you hear about the Scrabble champion who had his title taken away when it was found out he had been cheating?

He was lost for words

* * * *

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drvg dealer?
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A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

The next James Bond film is to be set in an opticians.
Its going to be called "For Four Eyes Only".

* * * *

Did you hear about the politician who sat on a microphone?
He was talking out of his arse.

* * * *

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Sad news. I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.


A clown held the door open for me the other day.


It was a nice jester.


I saw a loaf in a cage at the ****. the other day. Apparently it was bread in captivity...


Did you here about the scarecrow who won a lifetime achievement award, he was OUTSTANDING in his field

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl
Grandma replied, Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry.
The policeman fainted.

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

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A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a stunning brunette tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the woman. "What's going on here?", he asks. The woman sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the girl for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day!"

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells over two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, and they can't figure out his s3cret. They run into him at the mall one day, where he's set up a dip sample table.
"This is your s3cret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the super salesman. They both take a little bit of dip.
"Fuck!" says the second guy. "This tastes like shit!"
"It is shit. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
*Lix*

When I die I hope I go like my dear old dad, peacefully in my ****... Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

My little worthless dick trying to satisfy a women!

3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop while they’re driving down the road smoking a big ol’ spliff.

They asked if there was anything they could do to get out of a citation, so the woman cop smirked and said, “If all three of you boys have 15 inches of dick between you, I’ll let you go.”

So the guys look to eachother and nod, and all agree to the terms.

The driver pulls out his dick, the cop measures it and says, “7 inches, not bad.”

The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out, and the cop measures it and says, “6 inches.”

The last guy in the back has a nervous look on his face but finally pulls his out and the cop (after she stops laughing) measures it and says, “2 inches. Looks like you guys just barely squeaked by!”

So they get out of the ticket and go back to the first guy’s house for a beer. After a couple of drinks they start bragging.

The first guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had seven inches.”

And then the second guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had six inches.”

And then the third guy says, “You guys are lucky that I had a hard-on!”

A guy goes on to a ship to sail the world, but he notices no women on board, so he runs to the Captain.
'Captain captain.! theres no women on board what will be do for pleasure'???
Captain say, 'Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright while we're at sea'.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful blow job.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happened.
So he runs to the captain and says 'Captain captain! I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened'.
Captain says 'Ohhh I forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!'

"Do you know what's worse than ants in your pants?" ........... "Uncles"

A father bought a new cot for his baby and put a tin lid on top to stop the cat getting in. One day, he inadvertently left his hat on the lid when a playwright friend of his walked in.
"Oh boy," said the playwright, "you've just given me the title I've been searching for, for my new play."
"What's that?" the father replied.
"Hat on a Cot Tin Roof," the playwright replied.

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blo od."

"How much do you get paid for giving blo od?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

I'd like to di e peacefully in my sle ep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and crying like his passengers.

My hamster died the other day. He fell asleep at the wheel

Donald Trump will win the elections