Aladdin and the genie:
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What is the difference between Broccoli and Boogers...Kids don't eat Broccoli...

bit late for Xmas and its originally from a departed member, not sure who they were but there number was 444014
l liked it and had a chuckle *lix*


'Twas the night before Christmas,and just for a stunt..
Santa buried his face in some hookers cunt...

There was a loud noise,and he jumped with a start.
It seems that the hooker cut loose with a fart.

All he could do,was splutter and spit.
His face and his beard were all plastered with shit.

The hooker just sat there,perched on the bed,
Panting and groaning,but her face turning red.

Santa was laughing and said with a cheer,
"I know what I'll do,I'll screw one of the deer."

They're cleaner and neater,and don't you suppose,
They'll be the right height,if I stand on my toes.

The hooker so puzzled,was scratching her head..
But which one is Rudolph and is there a Fred ?

This one was posted here /forum/thread.php?id=22898&p=1#t416631 by spermkiss. Credit to him.

A guy was in a sex question contest and he took along a French man to help him out if needed, but he didn't want to ask for help if he didn't need it.

The first question he was asked was: "You are with a beautiful nude woman, where is the first place you would kiss her?" He quickly answered "On the mouth." Next question: "Where is the second place you'd kiss her?" "On the breast." These answers were correct so the third question was: "Where is the third place you'd kiss her?"

This question made him very uncomfortable and he thought about it and began to squirm. Finally he turned to the French man who said "Don't look to me for help, I would have gotten the first two wrong."

4 nuns stand in line ready to confess their sins to the priest.
1st one enters..

Nun1: ''Father,forgive me for i have sinned.I seen the male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 10 Our Fathers and wash your eyes in the Holy water''.

2nd nun enters..

Nun2: ''Forgive me Father for i have sinned.I've touched male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 20 Our Fathers and wash your hand in the Holy water''.

3th nun wants to enter but 4th one pushes her and enters before her..

Nun4: ''Father!You are crazy if you think I will wash my mouth after She washes her ass in the Holy water''!!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Ha i Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa

Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?
Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?
Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want.

A baby seal walks into a club!

The devil suddenly appears in the church service. All the people run screaming from the church except for one old man. The devil walks up to him and says, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The old man answers, "Naw, I'm married to your ****."

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small ****. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your ****'s name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

I see the Ronald McDonald House had another fund raiser,they got like 90 plus million bucks....... How Big a house that Fuckin' Clown need?

A horse had to have an operation. Afterwards, the vet said it was in a stable condition.

* * * *

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Here's another joke: Hillary may win the elections.

A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop and sit down together and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. That's what happens when you're not an asshole.

What is better then a cold bud? A warm Bush...

Bloke went to the doctor. "Hello mate," said the doctor, "not seen you for awhile."

"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill".


* * * *


A comedian went on stage carrying a paraffin oil stove and said to the audience: "they told me I'm the warm up act."


* * * *

A farmer is working on the land when he notices he forgot his shoes in the barn. He tells his help to go and get them. When the help gets to the barn he finds the farmer's two daughters.

The help says: “I may give you a kiss. Your dad said so.”

“No way,” the girls reply, “Prove it.”

The help shouts out to the farmer: “Both of them, right?”

“Of course, you numbskull!”

Three nuns were confronted by a priest. It seems that they had been caught fooling around with one of the younger priests in the church, Father O'rielly.

The Father who confronted the Nuns asked the first Nun, "****, please tell me what you have done."

Nun1 replies, "Please forgive me father, I gave pleasure Father O'rielly stroking him."

The Priest is disgusted but regains his composure and says, "May the Lord forgive you. Please wash your hands in this Holy water and say 10 Hail Marry's."

The Priest turns to the second Nun and says, "****, please tell me what you have done."

At that moment the 3rd Nun steps up interrupting the 2nd Nun and says, "Wait just a minute, if you think I'm going to gargle that Holy water after she sticks her ass in it you're crazy!"

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Q - What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

A - Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak

I WAS IN THE FISH MARKET AND 2 LADY'S SITTING QUIETLY WAITING ON THERE FOOD AND A BLIND MAN WALK IN AND SAID HELLO LADIES . HAAHAHAHA GET IT ?

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox



SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.



FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."



FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave



HOUSE PET

17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 **** from his first marriage
66 Barbi



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
--------------------------------------- added after 4 minutes

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser



EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig



FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"



FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man



HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 **** from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66



IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Last night I tried a new imported exotic meat from Kashyyyk for dinner. I waited, and waited for the price of Wookie to drop, and finally scored at $1.00 a pound. I threw it in the crock pot. After my first bite I couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about. It turned out to be a "Little Chewy."

Here's a good one I saw on the internet today ... and it's a story we all know , but it does have a twist like we never heard before ... with a real happy ending ............... So hope you like it !!!

Lil Red Riding Hood got ready and was leaving her mother's house. Her mom said... ''Now remember Lil Red Riding Hood..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood pulled out her shot gun..''Dont worry mom..I got it covered''

So she got her basket that was filled with jellies and rolls and headed to her Grandmaw's house. Along the way she ran into a rabbit...he asked, ''Where are you going Lil Red Riding Hood?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

The rabbit said, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, you better be careful..the big bad wolf is out there and you know what he will do to you. He will pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood held up her shot gun, ''Dont worry Mr Rabbit... I got it covered''. So she went on her way.

Soon the big bad wolf jumped out in front of her and asked, ''Lil Red Riding Hood, where are you going?''

She said, ''I am off to my Grandmaw's with a basket of goodies''

He said, ''You should not be out here..you know what I am going to do to you. I am going to pull up your lil red dress, pull down your lil red panties and fuck your lil red socks off.''

Lil Red Riding Hood jerked up her lil red dress... pulled down her lil red panties and layed down on the ground. She pointed the shot gun at him and said, ''Oh no you're not... You're going to eat me like the book says !!!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home...

***

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

***

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs,

The guy asks "Do they swell?"

The girl replies "No they spread"

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sl.eep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?

His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.

The husband says, No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

Boss: Hey, idiot! You are late to work AGAIN!!!
Employee: Sorry, Boss... It's just that my wife is going to have a baby...
Boss: Really? Congratulations!
Employee: Thank you!!!
Boss: And when is it going to be born?
Employee: In nine months...

The husband is not at home. The wife is spending time with another man. She heard the keys jangling at the front door so she told the man to hide in the wardrobe. She puts her hands together , looks at the sky and prays. Oh God, you can do whatever with me but please don't let my husband find out because he would kill us both. The heavens opened and God says " Ok as you wish but in 3 years I am going to bring you to heaven and you will drown ".
She replies yes anything you ask for as long as he doesn't find out. Everything is fine and time passes. The woman doesn't have a bath, she doesn't go swimming. She is trying to avoid the water. 5 years pass and she totally forgets about her promise to God. She buys a round the world cruise. The boat is full of women, they are all having fun. The boat slowly starts to sink. The woman remembers her promise to God. She gets down on her knees, puts her hands together, looks at the sky and says " Oh God, now you want to take me? Look around and see how many innocent women are going to die here with me ". The heavens opened again and God says " 2 years, 2 bloody years it has taken me to get all you cheating whores together on one boat ".

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Valentine's Day Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

I asked a Chinese girl for her phone number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."