A dozen priest,are killed in an accident & arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter says If any of you are Peadophile, go straight to hell,eleven off them started walking away.
St Peter shouts & Take the deaf cunt with you,

Before being ordained six priests had to stand nude with a bell to their cocks. And if anyone bell rang had no spiritual purity.A naked girl with big tits danced before each one.The first one showed no reaction,she went down the line with no response from them till she reached the last priest Ralph.Poor Ralph,while she danced he got a stiffy and his bell rang and flew off across the room.Embarrassed he ran and bent over to pick it up,then all the fucking bells rang

King Arthur and Guinevere were sitting by the fireside at Camelot one evening when Arthur said: "Sweetheart, I have to go away for a week on business tomorrow. So that's their no hanky panky between you and my knights while I'm away, I've devised a special guillotine-style chastity belt for you to wear. Anyone of them tries to molest you, they'll pay the price and get castrated."
"Oh, OK sweetheart," replied Guinevere, "whatever you say."
The next morning, with the chastity belt firmly in place around Guinevere's cunt, King Arthur went off on business. A week later, he returned and ordered all his knights to line up and drop their pants.
Arthur went along the line and everyone had been castrated - with the exception of Sir Lancelot.
"Lance," said Arthur, "I'm proud of you. You're the only one of my knights who hasn't tried to molest my wife while I've been away. In recognition of that, I'm going to give you five thousand pounds and a plot of land. What do you have to say about that?"
"Gagagagagagaga" replied Sir Lancelot.

* * * * *

This one is from a few years ago:-

Tony Blair went for a piss in the House of Commons loo and bumped into two junior MPs wanking each other off. Tony wasn't into men but he couldn't help but notice how big their dicks were.
Forgetting all about having to piss, Tony ran back down the corridor shouting: "I've found them, I've found them."
He was still whooping with delight as he passed Gordon Brown's office. Gordon stuck his head out the door and said: "Fucking hell, Tony, what's all the row about?"
"Oh Gordon," replied Tony, "I've found them, I've found them."
"Found what, for fuck sake?" asked Gordon.
"The weapons of masturbation," replied Tony.

* * * * *

Q: What's better than roses on a piano bench?
A: Tulips(two lips)on an organ.

A sex maniac sent a cheque in the post to a sex shop in Holland for an item he saw advertised on the shop's website. Unfortunately, the postman didn't read the address properly and delivered it to the house next door.

The neighbour was too curious to take it round next door, especially when he saw the parcel was from Holland. So he opened it and inside was a plastic pussy.

"Ooh look," he said, holding it up in his hands, "two lips from Amsterdam."

* * * * *

A old guy goes into a clock repair shop, and the young female assistant says can i help you sir
so he takes out his old fella and slaps it on the counter.
She says, am sorry sir,but this is a clock shop.
he says yes i no, i want you to put two hands and a face on this please..

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says,You must be a dentist.
The guy, surprised & says Yes How did you figure that out?
Easy, she said you keep washing your hands.
then one thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says,You must be a good dentist tho
The guy, now with a boosted ego says,Sure, am a good dentist, How did you figure that out?
she said i didn't feel a thing

There was a young man named Reg
Who went with a girl in a hedge
When along came his wife
With a bloody big knife
And cut off his meat and two veg.

* * * *

There was a young girl from Prestatyn
Who decided she'd like to learn latin
On her way to the class
She slipped on her arse
And swore when she saw what she'd sat in.

* * * *

There was a young girl named Matilda
Who had an affair with a builder
While getting their kicks
She knocked over his bricks
So he fucked her so hard he near killed her.

* * * *

There was a young man named Maurice
And another young man named Boris
One day they arranged
To have their sex changed
And now they're called Ethel and Doris

* * * *

There was a young man named Adam
Who didn't want balls but he had 'em
So he went for an op
Where they gave him the chop
And now all his friends call him madam.

* * * *

Paddys wife came home from work, all her sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line.
She screams You dozy Irish twat,I said I wanted a dado rail..

A girl asks her doctor how many calories there are in sperm?
Doctor says "Believe me love, if you swallow, no one cares how fat you are.

I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man arrives with his big cock out and joins in.
Fuck off, Dad, and watch your own porn I said

Q: What's the cheapest meat?
A: Deer balls, they're under a buck!

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your wife?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and Playing with himself in front of a tractor
Mick says,Jaysus Paddy, what're ye doin
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin' on in the bedroom lately & the Therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter

Phone rings, woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,Have you got a tight
unshaven c--t
The woman replies,Yes, he,s watching telly,who shall I say is calling

Men are like vacuum cleaners. Their not very fun but at least you can push them around.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?". The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?". The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?". The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?".

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick!

Bloke went to the doctor and said: "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse."

"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "put a bit of cream on it."

* * * *

Bloke went to the doctor and said: "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me, I think I've got Tom Jones Syndrome. I can't seem to stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home."

"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "it's not unusual."

* * * *
--------------------------------------- added after 83 seconds

George Michael was out cruising in the woods, bent over a tree with his pants round his ankles when an absent-minded bar of chocolate found its way into his arse. It was a careless whispa.

* * * *

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

Q: What do you get when Barbra Streisand and Barry Manilow stand back to back?

A: A pick-axe

* * * *

this whole page is hilarious

4 nuns in line to go to heaven and St. Peter asks the first nun what sin has she committed. she replies, "this hand has taken a mans penis." St. Peter says, Wash that hand in the holy water and you may enter heaven. He asked the 2nd nun the same question and she replied, both hands had taken a mans penis. St peter tells her to wash both hands in the holy water and enter into heaven. St. Peter turns to find that the 4th nun is trying to get in front of the 3rd nun and the two nuns are fighting. Startled, St. Peter asks, "ladies why are you fighting?" and the 4th nun replies, "I want to wash out my mouth in the holy water before she sticks her ass in there!"

A bloke winds up in hospital beaten to a pulp.
What the hell happened to you, his mate asks on a visit to the hospital.
You wouldn't believe my bad luck mate he gasps,I walked into the local pub and some dirty bastard's dog had shit right in the doorway,
That's no good mate, slipping in dog shit and busting yourself up
No that's not the worst of it mate,
Why what happened?
Well, I've picked myself up, went to the bar, and rubbing my sore back ordered a beer. You wouldn't believe what happened next.I don't know mate, what?
Well in through the door walks a nine foot Hell's Angel biker.Don't tell me the f.ker picked a fight with you mate
No, He walked into the pub and slipped arse over tit on that same slippery dog shit I did,
So he fell over knocked you off your stool,
Nah mate, I laughed and pointed at him and said- I just did that...

I went to a disco last night.They played the twist,so I did the twist
then they played Jump.so I jumped.
then they played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out for that one.

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of young lads pulls up along side.
Oi, get your tits out penguins, shouts one of the lads.
The Mother Superior turns to **** Imaculada, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross,
So **** Imaculada winds down her window and shouts, "Fuck off you little wankers, before I rip your bollocks off,

One time I was engaged to a lovely young girl we where about to get married but then she decided my penis was to big so we had to break it off

What is the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles

A friend of mine was invited to an S & M party. He asked the host: "shall I bring some drink with me?"

"Don't bother," the host replied, "we'll be having a whip-round."


* * * *


John and his wife Dawn were crazy about sex. One night they were so horny, they were still at it at 6 o'clock in the morning. Just as Dawn was getting into position for John to lick her ass, their lodger Pete walked in after a night on the town.

"Oh sorry, John," said Pete, "didn't expect to see you up at the crack of dawn."


* * * *


A vicar was walking through a red light district when he heard a bloke ask a lady of the night: "how much for a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the bloke replied.

The vicar walked on and a few yards later he heard another bloke ask another lady of the night the same question and get exactly the same answer.

Somewhat mystified, as he didn't know what a blowjob was, the vicar decided to stop off at the abbey on the way home and have a word with his friend, the Reverend Mother.

"Reverend Mother, may I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"What's a blowjob?"

"Twenty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."


* * * *


A blonde bimbo was driving down the motorway doing her knitting at the same time. A cops patrol car caught up and as it overtook, the officer in the passenger seat wound down his window and shouted: "pullover."

"No," shouted back the blonde bimbo, "it's a scarf."


* * * *

This is not a joke, just a silly message I received from a fun guy. He said he almost engaged in a three some last night, sadly he was two people short. Poor guy!