Question:

What happened when the two antennas got married?

Answer:

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great!

I was walking down the street with an ex one night. We turned a corner and a little further down the road, we saw a group of men attacking her mother.

We stood staring for a couple of seconds, before my ex asked ''Aren't you going to help''?

''No'', I replied, ''It looks like they're managing ok''.

A man goes to the doctor:
"I want a castration"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Did you talk with your wife about that?"
"Yes, she send me here! Always going 'now go to the doctor and get your castration finally!'"

After the castration he comes home.
Wife: "Did you get your vaccination?"
"Vaccination! That was the word!!"

George Michael was out cruising the woods one night. As he dropped his trousers and bent over the fallen down branch of a tree, an absent-minded bar of chocolate found its way into his arsehole. It was a careless Whispa

Q. What food is scientifically proven to kill a woman's sex drive?

A. Wedding cake

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.


I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I shagged a hooker called Penny – spooky or what

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked her up in a night club. sHe Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at her apartment, she reversed her car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Hang about”

Here's a dumb one, but try to forget it: did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.

I remember the first time I swore in front of my Dad. I was having sex with my girlfriend in my room, when my Dad came in.

''Get out,'' I said, ''I'm fucking my girlfriend''.

I walked into a bar the other night. Banged my head.

Did you hear there's to be a hetero operatic porn film with music by Mozart?

Its going to be called Tutte's Cozy Fanny

* * * *

Adoring fans were shocked today by a report that squeaky clean Cliff Richard had been found slumped in a chair surrounded by drugs and pills.

He'd fallen asleep in the chemist shop.

* * * *

These two old lady died and went to heaven when they got there there ran into each other the first one says how did you die and she says i froze to death the other lady said thats awful and then she said not really you get a warm feeling then you go to ****.
The first lady asked how you die she said i came home home sure of my husband cheating on me and just knew he had another woman in the house so i ran upstairs looking in all the closets and under the beds then i ran down stairs looking in the basement by time i got back up stairs i was exhausted and kild over dead of a massive heart attack.
the first woman said if you would have looked in the fridgerator we both would still be alive.

My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her babysitters throat..


I was shagging this married bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door
Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.


The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on
for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly White society.In fact he pointed out,some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, a Yorkshire-man approached the couple and said, would you like to know what the painting is really about?
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the couple.Because am the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all in this painting.
They're just three Yorkshire coal-miners. The guy in the middle just went home for lunch.

A ventriloquist sets his puppet down and begins his act by making it speak jokes about blonde bimbos. After five minutes, a blonde bimbo in the audience stands up and yells out: "What's the matter with you? All these so-called jokes about ladies just because of the colour of their hair. Don't you realise how offensive it is?"
Mortified, the ventriloquist starts to apologise profusely but again the blonde bimbo interrupts him. "Not you, dickhead," she shouts, "I'm talking to that bloke sitting on your lap."

* * * * *

If men think with their dicks? Then I want someone to blow my mind...

A man walks into a butchers shop orders some bacon then says "Where's your assistant?"
The butcher replies "I sacked him"
The man says "Sacked him ,why?"
The butcher replies "He kept sticking his dick in the bacon slicer!"
The man, shocked says "So wheres your bacon slicer??"
The butcher says "I fuckin' sacked her as well!!"

What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?


guy's will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till I had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

There once was a frog named Kermit Jagger.
One day he decided he wanted to buy a big new boat; so he went to his bank to get a loan for the boat. He took, for collateral for the loan, a very tiny miniature piano.

At the bank he went to the chief loan officer, Mr. Paddywhack, told him about his loan request, and showed him his 'collateral'.

Mr. Paddywhack was not sure what to do, so he went to the bank manager, to ask what to do, and to ask him what that 'collateral' item really is.
The bank manager replied:

"It's a knickknack, Paddywhack,
and give the Frog a loan;
his old man's a Rolling Stone."

What did the leper say to the hooker?? Keep the tip....

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar.
Bar tender takes one look at the three of them. The bartender then says "
what the hell is this some sort of joke?"

Enid Finglemaster was a REALLY UGLY ****. She used to ask all the boys in the playground: "give me a kiss or a fiver." By the time she was 12, she'd bought her own house.


* * * *


(Another of the late great Les Dawson's)


--------------------------------------- added after 21 seconds


* * * * C H I L D - for crying out loud again
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes

Using the same criteria, shouldn't the word "boys" be blanked out too?

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ****. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank.

Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A:Nothing!

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.


A dyslexic guy walks into a bra!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?

A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can!

"Son, I want to talk to you about the facts of life."


"OK, dad, what is it you want to know?"


* * * *


"Mummy, I don't like daddy's guts."


"That's all right, son, leave 'em on the side of the plate."


* * * *

What do you call the Three degrees after an orgasm ??

Wet,Wet,Wet....

My wife never stops nagging. The other day, we went for a tandem bike ride but after ten miles I thought I'd gone deaf. Then I looked round and the wife was nowhere to be seen, she'd fallen off several miles back.

(One of the late great Les Dawson's)

* * * *

Jane is called to the hospital to visit her terminally ill husband Jon for the last time. Jane he says , 'I have been told I wont make it through the night so this is the last time we will see one another'. 'Is there anything special I can do for you John ?' she asks . 'Well yes , I would like to make love to you for one last time' says John. So Jane slips into the bed and they get to it . John lies there drifting in and out of conciousness while Jane looks over him . Around 2 am he rallies and says 'I really feel like it again darling , how about it ?' . So once more they are at it , hammer & tongs . At 4 am John comes round once more and asks again . 'No John' says Jane , 'I am tired , its alright for you , you havent got to get up in the morning.'

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fridge Freezer

I rear ended a car this morning...


I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day!


The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!


He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"


So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"


That's how the fight started...